So, about every 4-6 months comes a point when I need to make some type of decision in my life. Whether to do $THIS or $THAT. And it’s always the same. HARD.
Through the past few years, I’ve come to determine that I have a bunch of “greatest fears”. However, this post is about one that tops the list 9 out of 10 times. It’s one that predominately decides what I will or will not do. The fear is “being vulnerable”.
Let me explain.
I’d consider myself a smart person. One who excels in school and study. When I pick something up, I usually take it and run. No looking back. (See Computers, Triathlons, etc). However, the point of picking something up is when one of the greatest fears comes into action. It is a chance for me to become vulnerable. It is a chance when, if things don’t work out well, I could come back feeling worse than if I never had gotten into the situation.
People always ask me: “When are you going to get your Masters? or Where are you going to Grad-school?” To me, leaving what I have now for a persuit of a piece of paper means that I become vulnerable. As such, I withdraw and push off the question with a simple “I dunno” or “I’m still looking” response. But, to me, it is painful for me to think about leaving my family, my house, my job, and everything to which I have worked to obtain.. just to obtain something “more”.
Another scenario.
I’ve been a social-hermit for most of my life. Preferring the glaze of computer screens and TVs or curling up with a good book, to the casual social interaction that takes place those Friday and Saturday nights amongst those my age. Why? Ah, but of course. It’s being vulnerable. I find that if I am outgoing, or one that is a “social butterfly” that I might be, in-the-end, shut down, or rejected. Sure, I know my stuff. I can “step-it-up” when I have to. Do I prefer to? Not usually. Do I feel like I haven’t achieved all that I could have, if I had been more outgoing? Not quite sure. I excell in what I do. People tend to like me when they come in contact with me. But for me to always be the outgoing type, puts strains on. To which, I usually retract.
Example number three.
Dating. The six letter word that spawns fear into the deepest trenches of my body. I know I have to do it. I know it must be done, because $FUTURE_SOMEONE isn’t going to fall into my lap. Do I enjoy it? Not typically. There have been times when I’ve put myself out there (yes, it was a surprise to me too), only to be taken advantage of. I thought $GIRL1 was a cute girl. Someone I fancied, yet, $GIRL1 didn’t fancy me. However, that didn’t stop her from taking advantage of me when $THING1 was broke or she needed $THING2 to work right. After a while I got over $GIRL1 when she went off to school. I didn’t hear from her for at least four months, then out of the blue I got a call from $GIRL1 when she was home asking help on fixing $THING1 again. I polietly offer as much help as I could to end the conversation. Telling her that I have finals to grade, etc. $GIRL1 asked me if she could help me grade them. Exactly.. I don’t think so. She had her chance, yet, she wanted to “hang-out” again? So, yeah. Enough about $GIRL1.
Oftentime, I get Bishops in my College Stake trying to line me up with their idea of what is my best bet for a $FUTURE_SOMEONE. I have to give them credit, because they care. However, my taste is usually a bit different than what they think. They give me the girls number. Or somehow, casually get me introduced with this special someone hoping that I’ll take the ball and run. I typically don’t. But, I flee in the other direction.
Sure, I’ve been on dates. Sure I’ve had a $SPECIAL_SOMEONE that I could tell anything and everything to. The problem, is getting over this fear of vulnerability in order to meet that new $SPECIAL_SOMEONE. I need to just put my line out there. If it gets spewed back, I need to dry myself off and throw it back out. However, the chance that I might not catch anything is what bothers me.
So, my dearest readers… if there is more than just one reader. You now have a partial view of my greatest fear. What I dread amongst all those other fears that loom in the background. The feeling of Vulnerability. I hope that it might have given you a glimmer of insight into what CBL is made up of. Topic for the next big “fear” post might be “Inadequacy”.
2 comments so far
Amazingly bold of you to post such an intimate statement. I too understand your sense of vulnerability, though mine stems from different roots. Let me offer you this:
Most importantly, you realize that things don’t just happen and that you have to step things up to make “life” happen. Unfortunately, being burned comes with this territory. Understandably, it makes the victim learn to shirk trust and avoid personal relationships for a time afterwards; however, at some point, that trust must be reinvested if anything is to move forward.
In a lot of ways, I can say that I truly hated the “singles ward” mentality. Not because I was unable to identify with folks there, but often because I didn’t think they could identify with me. I, like you, am a complicated person, but it took me a while to realize that everyone is. Actually, that complexity is the beauty of it all. My wife and I have been married for four and a half years, and she still finds ways to amaze me. She’s more complicated than I could ever imagine (in a good way).
I think that you are a smart enough individual that you could make a fine living for you and $FUTURE_SOMEONE without having a graduate degree; however, with that in mind I can tell you that the marriage market at $BIG_UNIVERSITY is much better than it was at Dixie.
Indeed, you have worked hard and achieved much, but maybe it’s time to step out of your comfort zone and into a fresh environment. Who knows, a new stretch of the wings may put some new breeze into your life?
January 7th, 2006 at 10:35 pm
A new reader has emerged from hiding…
Funny you mention it, I was just discussing this very subject today with a friend in Spain about his situation – as well as with my wife about our situation…
Stepping out of your “comfort zone” and into the unknown is something that I think everyone fears. It starts at age 4. We all had our moms and we were happy, but one she dropped us off alone at school. Sure it was tough, but at the end of the day we were rewarded with graham crackers and kool-aid. All the pain of stepping into the unknown was worth it…
I have no doubt either, that you have nothing to fear but fear itself. In fact, I think you can find Mrs. CBL and be making your current $SALARY * 2 if you wanted to elsewhere, regardless of the stinking degree. Good ol SGU has a way of limiting people in any field besides construction and real estate. We are all here and limit ourselves because of comfort. Yes, it all comes back to comfort.
January 10th, 2006 at 12:12 am
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