all things cbl

Sure it’s not a real word, but I’ve used it today in conversations with two different people about two different things. Maybe it’s my Spanish kicking in? Who knows. All I can say is that I like this word even though both people laughed at me for using it.

So try using it. See if you get the same reaction that I do. Then try to go back to not using it. I’m interested to hear reports people.

So tonight, Jenny and I were on our merry way to the gym. We pulled up to a stoplight.. only to hear above the music in her car, the
familiar tune of Eye of the Tiger eminating from a car next to us.

Picture this. A newer white four-door car. Hyndai, probably. With a football player looking guy in the drivers seat. Nobody else in the car. With “Eye of the Tiger” playing LOUD enough that we could hear it over our music. The driver was not beating his dash to the beat, nor singing along. Just looking forward.
Jenny turned down her music so we both could determine who it was.. and then proceeded to laugh about it. I think that the guy in the car next to us could tell we were making fun of him and his choice of song, because he sped away quite quickly at the change of the light.

We both got a good laugh out of it all the way to the gym.. and since it was so funny, I figured I’d write up a little reminder about it for some future time.

So, about every 4-6 months comes a point when I need to make some type of decision in my life. Whether to do $THIS or $THAT. And it’s always the same. HARD.

Through the past few years, I’ve come to determine that I have a bunch of “greatest fears”. However, this post is about one that tops the list 9 out of 10 times. It’s one that predominately decides what I will or will not do. The fear is “being vulnerable”.
Let me explain.
I’d consider myself a smart person. One who excels in school and study. When I pick something up, I usually take it and run. No looking back. (See Computers, Triathlons, etc). However, the point of picking something up is when one of the greatest fears comes into action. It is a chance for me to become vulnerable. It is a chance when, if things don’t work out well, I could come back feeling worse than if I never had gotten into the situation.

People always ask me: “When are you going to get your Masters? or Where are you going to Grad-school?” To me, leaving what I have now for a persuit of a piece of paper means that I become vulnerable. As such, I withdraw and push off the question with a simple “I dunno” or “I’m still looking” response. But, to me, it is painful for me to think about leaving my family, my house, my job, and everything to which I have worked to obtain.. just to obtain something “more”.

Another scenario.

I’ve been a social-hermit for most of my life. Preferring the glaze of computer screens and TVs or curling up with a good book, to the casual social interaction that takes place those Friday and Saturday nights amongst those my age. Why? Ah, but of course. It’s being vulnerable. I find that if I am outgoing, or one that is a “social butterfly” that I might be, in-the-end, shut down, or rejected. Sure, I know my stuff. I can “step-it-up” when I have to. Do I prefer to? Not usually. Do I feel like I haven’t achieved all that I could have, if I had been more outgoing? Not quite sure. I excell in what I do. People tend to like me when they come in contact with me. But for me to always be the outgoing type, puts strains on. To which, I usually retract.
Example number three.

Dating. The six letter word that spawns fear into the deepest trenches of my body. I know I have to do it. I know it must be done, because $FUTURE_SOMEONE isn’t going to fall into my lap. Do I enjoy it? Not typically. There have been times when I’ve put myself out there (yes, it was a surprise to me too), only to be taken advantage of. I thought $GIRL1 was a cute girl. Someone I fancied, yet, $GIRL1 didn’t fancy me. However, that didn’t stop her from taking advantage of me when $THING1 was broke or she needed $THING2 to work right. After a while I got over $GIRL1 when she went off to school. I didn’t hear from her for at least four months, then out of the blue I got a call from $GIRL1 when she was home asking help on fixing $THING1 again. I polietly offer as much help as I could to end the conversation. Telling her that I have finals to grade, etc. $GIRL1 asked me if she could help me grade them. Exactly.. I don’t think so. She had her chance, yet, she wanted to “hang-out” again? So, yeah. Enough about $GIRL1.

Oftentime, I get Bishops in my College Stake trying to line me up with their idea of what is my best bet for a $FUTURE_SOMEONE. I have to give them credit, because they care. However, my taste is usually a bit different than what they think. They give me the girls number. Or somehow, casually get me introduced with this special someone hoping that I’ll take the ball and run. I typically don’t. But, I flee in the other direction.

Sure, I’ve been on dates. Sure I’ve had a $SPECIAL_SOMEONE that I could tell anything and everything to. The problem, is getting over this fear of vulnerability in order to meet that new $SPECIAL_SOMEONE. I need to just put my line out there. If it gets spewed back, I need to dry myself off and throw it back out. However, the chance that I might not catch anything is what bothers me.

So, my dearest readers… if there is more than just one reader. You now have a partial view of my greatest fear. What I dread amongst all those other fears that loom in the background. The feeling of Vulnerability. I hope that it might have given you a glimmer of insight into what CBL is made up of. Topic for the next big “fear” post might be “Inadequacy”.